Ringo Star Won't Sign Your Books, Boobs or Bum

Ringo Star has made an announcement saying that after the end of October he will no longer sign autographs. Apparently he is "too busy". Too busy doing what, I'm not sure. Maybe he's recording albums. Maybe he's working tirelessly for charity.

Or perhapshe wants to devote more time to staying in his golden cave, crawling around atop his enormous pile of money and screaming tunelessly at passers-by.

Sex, lies and eBay hate

I recently bought something on eBay. Don't ask me what. It doesn't matter.

Suffice to say it doesn't have any working orifices, nor does it call me daddy or scream when it senses my presence.

OK, alright, it was a camera. OK? Now you know, it was just a camera.

But it only takes pictures of crying children.

I was going to leave negative feedback but I suddenly realised I didn't feel negative; it's a really good camera. Sure, it's got it's faults like the whole only photographing sobbing kids thing but well, it's got 12 million mega pixles .

It feels really good in my hand. Really good.

Filthy Crack Whore Elephant . Probably.

There was an elephant who was addicted to heroin. That's not a joke.

It's true.


It must have been a very rich elephant as I expect he needed a lot of heroin to get high. I wonder what a desperate drug addict elephant does to buy his fix?

Presumably he's sold off his own ivory, having carved it out of his head in the filthy toilet of some pub. But after that? What then?

Did he try to get the ivory from his friends and family?

"Come on giz a lend of it mate, you ain't using it. I'll bring it back I promise"
"No Nelly! And you can put that stereo down right now."

I imagine he eventually had to turn to crime. That's probably how he got caught, they aren't careful when they're breaking and entering, we've all heard about them leaving their footprints in the butter.

No sex or violence. Or Fun.

I have a friend who works in one of those multi-national corporations. You know the type, they make enough money every ten minutes to eradicate world hunger but spend it on branded paper clips. It's the kind of place where your emails are filtered for key words which might suggest creative thought, political feelings or any type of individualism.

So when I email him he often reminds me to be careful what I write, so as not to get him in trouble. Of course that's like asking Hitler to become a Rabbi; unlikely, for so many reasons.

In my desire not to lose him his job I manage to restrain but have often been given pause for thought as to what the least 'safe for work' email might contain. Presuming the exclusion of images and expletives, which would lead to the message being automatically filtered, I like to think it would be something like this:

Hi mate

How was your weekend? Did you manage to bury that little girl's body OK? I know the spot I recommended is pretty isolated but you do get the occasional dog walker, should be OK though.

I had a pretty chilled out one, spent Saturday fisting a dwarf with a severed pigs trotter in a synagogue. Then on Sunday we did some gardening and watched a video. That one you made with your brother, where you violate the unborn baby. It really got us both in the mood ; )

Quick question, when you hit your wife does it makes her cook better? I always presume it does but I'd like to be sure.

Anyway have a good day
Lex

That's just off the top of my head, if you're reading this and you think you can improve on it send an email to lex@lexgenn.com and if any are particularly amazing I'll publish them here.

Gordon Brown's Economic Relief Package...

...is not as good as mine.

In every media channel, every day all you here is 'The worst financial disaster since the war' or words to that effect. They don't mention which war but I'm not sure that matters. However, there is a solution, inspired by that phrase; we simply invade Switzerland.


I know, it seems radical but there are many reasons why this is the perfect solution to our predicament:

- They have loads of money.
- They are neutral, having no protective treaties, we don't need to worry about any military repercussions.
- We need to remind Russia who is the original and best at invading sovereign states (they may have forgotten about Iraq).
- They have really good chocolate.
- They have loads of money.

This bold strategy would not only safeguard our economy but re-establish Britain as the Empire Building Super Nation we would all like to believe we really are.

If you think we should invade Switzerland as a solution to our financial and national self esteem issues sign up to the petition here.

Click Here! No Really. Do it!!! Ha ha ha, you idiot

I clicked on a banner add today.

That's something I don't usually do on principle, so sick am I of their flashing and blinking and looping animations, clawing at my peripheral vision like a tiny but persistent eye crab, desperate for attention.


So today I clicked, just to see what great leaps advertising had taken with this, the most zeitgeisty (yes that is a word, becasue I say so) of media.

So here's the report: It's crap.

"Click to see more pictures". Wow, pictures, that's pretty advanced, I've never seen anything like that before, except perhaps on the inside of caves.

"Click here for video" Gosh! Moving pictures! Now there's innovation. They'll be mass producing sliced bread next.

So anyway, there you go, you're not missing anything. I'll check back in five years and let you know about any developments. Who knows, maybe they'll be working towards some clever way of recording sounds so we can replay them at our leisure. That's probably just science fiction.

Red Hot XXX Nun Action

"PHHHWOAARRRRR LOOK AT THE HABIT ON THAT!!"

"COR BLIMEY I WOULDN'T MIND A RUB OF THAT ROSARY."




Nuns eh? Come on...oh, you don't think of them as sexy?

Oh, how strange. Well perhaps that's becasue you're not Antonio Rungi an Italian priest who is organising a Nun Beauty Contest.

Yes, you read that right, a Nun Beauty Contest. This may seem slightly weird and a little hypocritical but the Roman Catholic Church is NOT hypocritical. They pretty much stick to bible, word for word although sheltering Nazi war criminals is a pretty broad interpretation of 'turn the other cheek'.

Anyway, more importantly, do you think they'll do the swim wear section? I wonder if they'll wear them under their habits and the judges will have to just use their imagination?

I bet they'll all be really good at the bit where they have to say what they would do if they won... "I would use my tenure as Miss Hot Nun 2008/9 to pray extra hard and maybe help other nuns be even more stern."

Do you think the pope will be a judge? Perhaps with Peter Stringfellow and Hue Hefner? That would be great. Perhaps they could hold the final at the Playboy Mansion?

I don't know why I'm surprised. In a world where Tony Blair can be a Middle East Peace Envoy I should be no more surprised by this than by the BNP organising a Holocaust memorial dinner.

Penguin's and Blow Jobs

A Penguin has been knighted.

I’m not going to bother writing much more about that. I very much doubt I could add anything to the comedic majesty of the simple truth that, once again, a penguin has been knighted.

Why? You don’t care. (If you do click the pic for the article)

How? Who knows?

Does it matter? No.

The truth, if you can handle it and I don’t think you can but anyway, is that a penguin has been knighted. That’s a fact.

It’s brilliant on so many levels but mostly because it devalues the achievement of ‘Sir’ Alan Sugar, whose other achievements include being grumpy and backing inventions which no one wants.

I feel that this is a watershed moment. If we can knight something as unusual as a Penguin I think we should all think of other things we would like to see knighted. I would suggesting the following ‘b words’:

- Barbecue Ribs

- Batman

- Blow Jobs

- Hats (a late wild card entry but one upon which I think we can all agree).

Comically Bankrupt

BNP favourite and none time funny man Jim Davidson is bankrupt. I suspect that if you asked him why, he would suggest that his 'comic' style was somewhat hampered by political correctness. Although he would be more likely say something like "These days you can't even call a spade a spade without someone getting their kaftan in a twist".

Davidson is not the first 'comedian' to suffer from an inability to adapt to a changing social climate. In 1994 Bernard Manning was forced into poverty and resorted to selling layers of his fat for roof insulation to make ends meet.

In retirement Davidson will join a number of other ex-'entertainers' who's time has passed, including 'illusionist' Paul Daniels, perm-casualty Tommy Cannon, formerly of duo Cannon & Ball and below-par all rounder Brian Connolly. They will live out the remainder of their lives at a farm in Suffolk, housed in small wire cages in a barn and fed on the ground-up remains of other 'entertainers' .

The Real Terrorist Threat

Once again the world held it's breath as the shadow of terror fell over us all.

Thank the lord of all that is holy that this time, this time, sanity prevailed. The moderate, sensible voice of American conservative thinking has once more saved us from certain doom.

It seems there was a clear and present danger that a woman in an advert might have been allowed to wear a scarf.

Yes. You read that right, a scarf. DEMON.

This was not just any scarf though, oh no. This was the Osama Bin Laden of scarves. A scarf which is remorselessly black and white, which is sickening in it's tasseled edges. It looks a little bit like a traditional Arab keffiyeh scarf which is sometimes worn by terrorists. It's not one, it just looks a bit like one.

Thank god though for conservative America, which stamped it's massive feet and whipped up an outcry, so the ad has been pulled. Thank god they are focused on the important stuff. I'm sure at this very moment St Peter is putting a big 'tick' next to their names on the 'Who gets into heaven' list. Either that or laughing heartily at their malformed sense of right and wrong.

I don't see much wrong with lots of conservatism really, for example I like family values. However I can't help but notice a lack of consistency. Those same terrorists who wear scarves also hold guns. I haven't noticed any outcry from conservative America against guns.

Fair enough though. Guns don't kill people. Scarves do.

Now that I think about it those same terrorists wear shoes. SHOES! I might start a campaign to have all ads removed in which people wear shoes. Who's with me?

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